Saya Ingin Berahsia, Dush!

Diri ini, sangat tidak selesa dengan pemberian yang memerlukan individu itu bermain emosi dengannya. Lebih menggemari item-item yang boleh dimakan, seperti kek, coklat atau ais-krim dan objek-objek kecil seperti keychain, baju anime atau pemadam comel. Mungkin kerana diri ini masih mahu kembali, masih belum mahu dewasa. Mungkin kerana harapan diri setiap kali menjelang hari itu adalah supaya wanita dan lelaki yang membawa diri ini kedunia ciptaanNya dipanjangkan umur, dimurahkan rezeki, disenangkan segala pekerjaan dan diampun segala dosa. Disamping, tidak mahu dewasa lagi, Im refusing my emotional state from shaking. 

And because of all above reasons, I dont really comfort with the word 'birthday'. For me, birthday is another day that reminiscing me the moment of lonely and oldness. The moment of being mad at or being mad with. It just an awkward moment where I have to thanks so many people that actually had troubled themselves for me in remembering my birthday. Or the awkward moment when I have to say thank you and be jiwang with others for a period of time. Im rather smiling all day long rather than playing words in such condition. Its just awful. Very awful. When I dont know how. It just something that Im not good at. *blink blink

Jiwang stuff just giving me a lot of headaches. It makes me thinks thousand times before Im responding till I just refuse to respond by any way. Just curving my emotionless face with a 'cant-see-my-eyes-smile'. What the.... ergh...

I know..., it does relating with a word named 'ego'. The word that I'd tried to leave a long time ago but still, it keep sticking with me like a bubblegum. Im ego in expressing the romantic of me or expressing how good person I really is, how nice I can be, how caring I can be ( Erk... haha, whoopss melebih sekejap...? ) Lucky as the stars who are not only beautiful but shining above of everybody else, I dont have to say anything to express my feeling to Allah. He always understand me, He never forcing me to be romantic with Him and the message I tries to send to Him are always delivered which make me smiling by myself at the end. It was just like..., hmmmm... very soothing. He just letting me be myself in converting my love to unspeakable actions and unseenable feeling. The feeling was like jumping from one heart to another just like magic. :3

Sometimes delivering something in silent and secret just telepathy the feeling of a person to another person in a whole. Because the process only need understanding and positive perceptions.
You know the moment when I went silent? They said Im just being rude and being fool by refusing to talk. But, do you want to know, silent doesnt really means that you're being rude or expressing 'Yes' emotion, sometimes it just means that 'Im tired of explaining and talking to people who dont even care to understand or even care to listen...'

Im so sorry for talking too much before in my life or maybe perhaps writing too long in my journal. (But this journal is mine, nobody care actually xD )  But here in this humble journal Im learning to share and expressing my feeling, what Allah had decides that, I was born to be a girl. The one who always keep. The one who always act to be tough. The one who her strength was beyond limit till she dont realize it.

Im sorry if those words of mine always hurt the one who heard them. I always said something that dont really express the real feeling I had. I always slipped of tongue (dumb!). Frankly, I was just too ego to admit that actually at my eyes, you guys were way too perfect. Because when I looked at myself, I was nothing but someone who doesnt really have the specialities to benefit others. But, thats why we different from one another. Maybe my times to yield are not popping out yet. You have one weakness that walking along with thousands of beautiful self superiority. Try to change for the better but never hate your past or try to forget them because they are the good teachers who gave tremendous excellent lessons. I accept the way you want yourself to treat me, either its good or bad I know it just the way you are. The problem is that, Im the ONE who dont know how to respond correctly, so Pardon Me... *sigh