ubat ni serius berkesan!

Saat tadi, aku lupa ape yang ade di dalam kotak ini, 

Monolog : "mende berat ngat nih, benda ngarut ape lg aku simpan nih... Sigh* -.-""

but then

My eyes river gracefully streaming down ma cheek...

yang tidak mahu berganjak itu AKU

Masa tidak pernah berhenti bergerak

Cuma yang tidak mahu berganjak itu aku.

Lebih 10 kali naik turun naik turun Bangunan Blok E, Tingkat 4
angkut barang sorang-sorang dalam masa 1 jam 15 minit
ada barang more than 15kg
Endurance proof! Achievement UNLOCKED!

Frankly speaking, aku tak pasti apa yang aku tinggalkan disini. Adakah kehadiran aku akan dirindui? 

Perasaannya lain. 

Kalau dulu meninggalkan tanah tarbiyyah dengan mengharap mampu menabur di medan sebenar. Apa yang telah kutabur? Kulit rambutan mungkin... Kergh xD

Ramai pejuang sengkatan tidak sabar untuk pulang ke rumah. Soalan aku, untuk apa? Apa yang kamu mahu buat dirumah? Jika jawapanmu untuk ibubapa, soalan aku, betulkah begitu? Atau ini adalah alasan sahaja untuk kamu merasa diri lebih senang kerana dirumah kamu punya orang tua untuk meringankan beban di bahumu? Samaada dari segi makan pagi petang malammu yang dijaga, pakaianmu yang dibasuh dan dijemur setiap hari, kewanganmu yang sentiasa ditanya, tidak ada keringatmu yang tertitik, semuanya dilap...

Ahh.. mungkin niatmu suci. Maafkan sekilas soalan aku. Sekadar baking soda untuk buang plak pada gigi. Paranoia yang tak pernah insaf berfikir dan musykil.

Kali ini aku meninggalkan medan pertama untuk menabur dimana pula? Apa yang ingin kutabur? Kulihat beberapa sahabat sudah mula mengiklankan diri. Tapi apa yang ingin aku iklankan? Satu kekuatan sedang aku kumpul, hanya untuk berdepan dengan makhluk yang paling aku geruni...manusia... Sedikit sahaja yang tahu betapa hal ini terasa susah bagiku. Bagi si hati yang sangat banyak expectations, semua membuat hipotesis sesat bahawa ini kerja mudah. 

Berat kakiku melangkah keluar bukan kerana aku sayang, tetapi kerana hatiku penuh kerisauan. Di samping setiap malam menitis meminta agar Allah kurniakan ketenangan, almari hatiku masih kacau. Tanggungjawab sebenar satu demi satu mengetuk meminta izin masuk tanpa aku bersedia. "DIDALAM INI SEDANG KACAU! SILA DATANG LAIN KALI" *kalau sahaja aku mampu menjerit kepada setiap tanggungjawab ini.  

Selangkah keluar dari pagar ini, manusia akan mula berharap aku ada kerja, mampu sara diri, cari pasangan untuk tidak menjadi bualan makcik-makcik, punya rumah, ekonomi stabil, bayar bil-bil duit sendiri.... kenapa tiba-tiba aku rasa diri semakin pendek? *faktor usia mungkin... 

Bukti aku lusuh disini dipamerkan melalui kasut-kasutku, yang sudah minta diputuskan talian hayat. 

Lusuhnya bagaimana? Lusuhnya ego yang menyebabkan aku tunduk bersama aturanNya, bersejahtera keatas aturanNya. Satu saat aku makhluk yang menentang segala yang aku mampu tentang hanya untuk memastikan manusia mendirikan dua janji mereka dengan Tuhan. Tapi kini setahun setengah ini mengajar aku untuk bergerak bersama mereka dalam mendirikan 2 janji itu. 

Ya abid... ya khalifah, kamu tahu, aku sangat takut dengan dunia. Aku sangat takut untuk menonjol di khalayak manusia, bahkan aku juga takut dikenali sehingga tahap aku tidak mahu bergaul dengan mereka yang dikenali. Bila aku mengetuk dada menanya khabar, aku merasa ini bukan faktor rendah hati atau rendah diri, ini kerana aku masih tidak mampu melepaskan silam yang terlampau menghiris daging. Mimpi demi mimpi aku merasa setiap manusia yang mengenali aku yang dulu, yang aku lari daripada, datang kembali bak zombi-zombi mengejar dosa-dosa aku untuk menampal setiap daripadanya di kaca TV. Aku takut jika aku ditarik kaki bersama mereka kembali bertukar menjadi zombi itu lagi. 

Bagaimana mungkin aku membina kekuatan? Bukan untuk melupakan, tetapi untuk menerima dan bersejahtera dengan silam, yang tidak pernah luntur despite masa yang sentiasa berjalan. T_T

Give me the strength to forgive and being acceptance for every deeds.

Separuh mati 💔

Cabut plug
Hujan ribut petir
Reda
Sambung
XPS shocked -
Charger berkelip tak henti
Tekan ON with teary eyes
Pray
Try again
Pray again
Try again
Watch my laptop for 30minutes
Press ON
...
...
...

Im dying inside.......

When it so hard to explain how I feel, this article did a splendid job T_T

THIS IS WHY INTROVERTS (INFJS) REMOVE PEOPLE FROM THEIR LIVES WITH THE “DOOR SLAM"

     There are a lot of people who may read this article without having a clue what actually an INFJ is, let alone an INFJ “door slam.” However, INFJs, as well as those who have been involved in relationships with them, will understand what this is.

    INFJ is a personality type which is characterized by the Myers Briggs Personality archetypes. They are believed to make up approximately 1% of the population. The initials actually stand for the following: introverted, intuitive, feeling and judgment.

    Out of all the traits of INFJ, the “door slam” may be the most infamous one. The reason for this is not because of the actual hypothetical door slamming. But this is because of what actually takes place up until the firmly shut.

    INFJs often give it all. So if they are abused relentlessly, they will sever all ties. This can include things like blocking telephone numbers, social media links, in extreme cases. As well as moving or even not giving a forwarding address.

INFJS ARE TOLERANT CREATURES. THEY ARE RENOWNED FOR ALLOWING OTHERS TO TREAT THEM IN A BAD WAY.

    INFJs are compassionate, empathetic, forgiving souls. They also try to give people the benefit of the doubt. These folks offer a second chance with the hopes that the person will change one day.

    Some of them also hope that the slamming of the door will actually make the other person realize what they have lost. They do not enjoy drama or leaving on a negative note. So in a lot of ways, the door slam can actually be a final chance for the other person to jolted to action. Even when the relationship cannot be saved, at least there would be no lingering hard feelings.

    They also want the other person to get the message. So they will not try to walk back through the door, thinking that it is everything okay.

INFJS GRIEVE AND MOURN THE LOSS BEFORE THEY ACTUALLY LOSE THE CONNECTION WITH THAT PERSON.

    This makes it easier for them to accept that the relationship was often based on illusion. What they thought they had actually did not exist.

    These people are introverts — it means that they internally process much of what goes on around them. Because of this, they do not feel emotionally safe with a particular person. Also, they may not openly express what they think or feel.

    INFJs usually give out numerous warning before the door slam. They let whoever is involved to know that they do not find their behavior acceptable. The usual occurrence of door slams is when INFJ distance themselves after being hurt repeatedly. Most of the time, when they don’t feel that the other person is willing to make any effort to change its personality.

WHEN AN INFJ IS DONE TRYING, THEY FEEL MORE LIBERATED AND LIGHTER.

    They also swiftly move forward. Also, they may remove all the different reminders from their past. They are not the types of people who make demands and tell others how they want to be treated. Especially when they are in a romantic relationship. They have hopes that if someone cares deeply for them, their actions, as well as words will reflect that.

    Because they are highly intuitive and read situations in a good way, they may sometimes forget that not every person has such abilities. They are compassionate, communicate as much open as possible, as well as explain why they feel the way that they do before they opt out.

    Their door slam serves as a self-protection mechanism. INFJs can even try to discern whether they devote too much time and energy to those people that do not hold the relationship in the same high regard.

ALTHOUGH THE DOOR SLAM ALSO SOUNDS SEVERE, THESE PEOPLE ARE USUALLY FORGIVERS.

    They may allow the person that they have slammed the door to get back in their life in the future. But the reason for this is only if they feel that the behaviors have changed. They are not going to fall back into the same dynamics which is unhealthy.

    Sometimes, the door slam will just happen in their mind and heart, and they will continue remaining in contact with the “door slam” person. However, by this point, a significant change in the relationship can happen. They will no longer be investing the same time, as well as attention and energy in the relationship. The contact will be limited to a functional communication.

    Moreover, it is rare for these people to entirely trust someone that they have once have given the “door slam.” It is likely that the relationship will never be the same as it was once. Those people who are in a dynamic with INFJs can actually work out how serious the door slam is by observing whether the slam was done in haste and fury, or calmly and rationally.

    These people are far more likely to slam a door very quickly, and for good, when a person is hurt by a person that they love, as well as care about. The saddest thing is that they may allow themselves to be abused all the time continuously, but they will not tolerate abuse that is of any kind when it is directed at someone else. 

[Inspired by Elephant Journal]

This article (This Is Why Introverts (INFJs) Remove People from Their Lives with the “Door Slam.”), was originally published by SelfDevelopShop and is published here with permission and attribution to Ane Krstevska and selfdevelopshop.com. It may be re-posted freely with proper attribution and author bio only with prior approval from Enlightened Consciousness.

Im an official INFJ

November, a mourning month

this month is a significant month for me. yeah..., besides theres my birthday in it, it will always end up with repeated cries after cries.

It is not suppose to be like that before.

During my adolescent years, despite having a lonely years because of my inability to speak out about my feelings, theres three dates in november that I always looking forward to celebrate. I end up setting most of my online accounts password with them. But then..., one after one, the date seems to be not suppose to celebrate anymore, vice versa, it always turn out to be a month of cries for me. A meaningful beautiful three most remembered dates becomes three most traumatic one.

Noo... not because it end up awful, but because it full of sweetness that I know I can never taste it again. Neva again....

why I dont like TV dramas. Because most of them happened in my life already. Even before Im a quarter of decade. Each and every scene seems so alive in my mind that I dont need somebody to remind me of it by acting with fake tears. Come to just thinking about it, already streaming my eyes with river.

The answer of my 'why...' missing in action.

The dreadful impact of those dates leading me to block a lot of people, leading me to have bad feeling about trusting a person, leading me to hold back my heart, take a few steps behind, or walk away when i think that i had love someone too much.

Is it too wrong of having mix feeling when you are so afraid, too afraid of...

hoping that this post will lighten the flood in my heart, Allah... please accept my deeds and forgive my sins.

窒息

"对人有疑心

就无法爱人

对人有疑念

就无法原谅人

对人有疑感

就无法相信人"

    说得好。。。

窒息

让人无法再爱

让人无法再信...

10 Ways To Tell if I am Mad At You

the feeling when

you were needed during their hard time,

      and lift to stay aside during their enjoyment

yeah, that feeling, 

when you just annoyed me -.-"

#1st Day Practicum -> 1st Month Practicum

Uw, that doesnt looks good... -.-"

When you go from this, 8th July 17

To this

1st week

to this

 when you just cant get enough, to this

when you think you really cant handle more

a Month Later...

 

yea..., I'm Ok.

Thoughts

After being hated by so many persons
I dont even care about being good to any candidates anymore

After being hurt by too many stabs
I dont even care about anyone who not lovin me anymore

Why？
Maybe because I didnt live with an example for that.

Me and my pathetic self...

... had a wishlist added tonight :

For each and everytime i whispered to myself about the world not being a good place to live in,

I wish someone would answer me that
they met me on this world... *with a pair of shining eyes

and you choose to keep silent

Cause your heart know the truth all too well.

Omelas

Allah ya rabbi
Jika ini Engkau kira sebagai amal kebajikanku
Ingatkanlah aku bahawa ia untukMu
Ingatkanlah aku akan janji-janjiMu
dan Ingatkanlah aku bahawa cebisan hati yang sakit itu akan tercabut sbg kulit kering lalu dengan kuasaMu akan tumbuh padanya kulit yang baru.

yang Maha Mengetahui segala isi hati,
catuanMu melebihi catuanku.
dan Engkaulah yang Maha Mengatur segala perasaan yang hinggap pada sekeping hati bernama aku.
Aturkanlah seri ketenangan pada jasadku, walau didalam sedang Engkau uji dengan ledakan ribut taufanMu.

Sesungguhnya aku tahu Engkau Maha Tahu akan kemampuanku.
dengan itu aku bersejahtera keatas setiap perasaan ini,
aku bersejahtera keatas setiap asbab sentimental ini.

不语

真正的失望不是怒骂

不是嚎啕大哭

也不是冲你发脾气

而是

沉默不语

#这几天的月亮和早晨的气氛很温暖

---

成

长

必须有代价的

Thaif

"Ya Tuhanku, aku merayu kepadaMu betapa lemahnya kekuatanku,
betapa sedikitnya keupayaanku & betapa hinanya aku di sisi manusia.
Wahai Tuhan yang paling pengasih diantara semua yang pengasih!
Engkaulah Tuhan yang memelihara orang-orang yang lemah dan Engkaulah Tuhanku.
Kepada siapakah Engkau akan serahkanku?
Adakah kepada musuh yang akan mengalahkanku?
Atau kepada orang yang jauh yang akan menyambutku dengan wajah yang masam?
Andainya tiada apa-apa kemarahanMu terhadapku,
maka tiadalah apa-apa yang menyusahkanku tetapi perlindunganMu kepada aku itulah
yang lebih selesa kepadaku.
Aku berlindung dengan Nur wajahMu yang menerangi segala kegelapan & memperbaiki urusan dunia dan akhirat dari diturunkan kemurkaanMu atau ditimpa kemarahanMu keatasku.
KepadaMulah taubat dari dosa & kejahatan sehingga Engkau redha & tiada daya upaya melainkan dengan pertolonganMu..."

Changes

It was a very sweet lullaby fantasies that I had been livin back then.
And this reality that I had been woke up into, is another fantasy.

Both felt so real...

The difference between both of them is that; one, taught me the theories of living a life, and another one, is testing all of the theories and pushing me to live the life.

Im a coward who afraid to face
the taught of havin everybody changed
once when their 'screen background' changed.

I know this day will come,

My heart felt heavy.

I know these kind of days will come
I dont have the guts to laugh much back then.
I worked to the fullest of my heart,
working on earning experiences that will make my feet stay firmed on the ground when these days with many changes take place.

It came,

and Im livin it.

These days that Im goin through now,
really used up all of the experiences.
Im someone different who tried to adapt well

He, the ones who looking on us, makin the surrounding tough enough,
when asking a strengthen chain to make others stay strong when I used to be so weak.

Im walking, and promise myself not to stop walking,
dragging the ones who is hesitating on continuing this path,
I decided to take them with me.
I decide to be their one pole, to hang on to, before I can hand them in, to face our Lord cause in the meantime, I know they are the gifts that always be my sources of inspirations. I know they will someday convince to walk with strong steps, lighten the path for more others.

Not everything that I do now are accurate to my stands of living,
    Not everything that Im seeing now is right to my thoughts,
         but I'll try to cope with it.

Patience, and I'll have victory,
thats a promise from my Lord.

Yeah, its gettin heavy, but I will put them on my shoulders, I dont mind getting shorter because of the weight, as long as they are walking with me, Im in peace.

My peers changed, my attitudes changed, but my perseverance is getting better.

I cried in almost all of my midnight dreams,
I wake up just to continue crying to my Lord.
but then, when I had to face the sun,
I faced it the way it faced me

smiling, brightening and full with energy.