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November 12, 2017

November, a mourning month

this month is a significant month for me. yeah..., besides theres my birthday in it, it will always end up with repeated cries after cries.

It is not suppose to be like that before.

During my adolescent years, despite having a lonely years because of my inability to speak out about my feelings, theres three dates in november that I always looking forward to celebrate. I end up setting most of my online accounts password with them. But then..., one after one, the date seems to be not suppose to celebrate anymore, vice versa, it always turn out to be a month of cries for me. A meaningful beautiful three most remembered dates becomes three most traumatic one.

Noo... not because it end up awful, but because it full of sweetness that I know I can never taste it again. Neva again....

why I dont like TV dramas. Because most of them happened in my life already. Even before Im a quarter of decade. Each and every scene seems so alive in my mind that I dont need somebody to remind me of it by acting with fake tears. Come to just thinking about it, already streaming my eyes with river.

The answer of my 'why...' missing in action.

The dreadful impact of those dates leading me to block a lot of people, leading me to have bad feeling about trusting a person, leading me to hold back my heart, take a few steps behind, or walk away when i think that i had love someone too much.

Is it too wrong of having mix feeling when you are so afraid, too afraid of...

hoping that this post will lighten the flood in my heart, Allah... please accept my deeds and forgive my sins.

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