Healing

I seldomly ask for help.

social situation, surrounding emotions 

words heard and overloaded social contacts,

really taking a toll on me.

I usually handle my own healing.

Delete and refresh some bad thoughts,

avoiding all tiring and heavy conversation.

I'll sit at one place, accepting myself in its delicate mode.

Undoing stressful scary overthinking images of the future that I can't control

I'll close my ears and shut my eyes,

Try to listen to myself, try to look at myself.

Make peace with things that getting out of my bucket,

Handle it as bad as it is one by one.

I'll cry, breath and pray for courage

Just to wake up and start walking again

Slowly repair what's left.

If I went out and reach for someone,

That is when you know, it's bad.

i don't feel well

Here is a little something about my own attendance..

... now know that these times I was 

absent from the world

were when I was burnt out.

I needed those times at home.
I needed to rest, 

in the quiet, 

in my safe space, 

with my safe person.

Because world was a lot, 

it took a lot to appear perfect, 

to concentrate, 

to understand the work, 

to be a top who giving her all, 

to manage the relationship with everybody that were so confusing and often upsetting.

There was also the demands and high expectations, the managing of it all.

All this impacted on my emotional and 

physical health.

It made me unwell and exhausted frequently.

Even with partner who I now were implementing 

a very low demand house.

But I was lucky or 

luckier than most 

because I could be at home with him.

And this taught me so much.

I learnt to know when I didn’t feel okay and 

I needed to rest, 

I learnt to not push myself too hard.
I learnt the importance of self regulation, 

of home and calm and quiet.
I learnt what my limits were.

This is what I now know 

has helped me so much through life.
The knowing when it was too much, 

when I needed to go home.
To rest, to switch off.

I know when to say stop 

and to rest and reset 

before it all gets too much.

It has made me an adult 

who doesn't ignore my health.

Who takes time out before I burn out.

Editted with the exact same meaning from : Missing the Mark

cabut tepi

Pada aku, usrah mengenalkan aku dengan insan-insan perkasa, mengukirkanku puluhan persahabatan bertali langit, membuktikan kepadaku perkara-perkara asing, menumbuhkanku rasa sehijau sana. 

dan jika aku berada dalam usrah kerana kakaknya, nescaya bila dia tiada, maka aku juga tiada lagi sebab untuk terus berada.

Jika aku berada dalam usrah kerana sahabat yang tercipta, nescaya jika Allah uji ikatan itu merapuh maka aku juga tidak bersalah pergi kerana rasa. 

Jika aku berada dalam usrah kerana bulatan orang baiknya, nescaya aku akan melangkah keluar jika ada yang berdosa.

Jika aku berada dalam usrah kerana mengharapkan jodoh yang aman, nescaya jika jodoh itu tidak datang atau aku dizalimnya maka tidak ada sebab lagi pada orang usrah aku menaruh percaya.

Aku berada dalam usrah kerana ia salah satu usaha, yang aku imankan, dilalui oleh sahabat nabi, untuk lebih dekat dengan Ilahi. 

Aku telusuri dengan penuh rasa tidak layak pada setiap langkah. Dengan setiap rasa yang dihadiahkan, cuba percaya bahawa, setiap yang ia beri adalah untuk menulen, mengajar, menguji, membenar, mensejahtera.

Maka dengan setiap titik kelemahan yang dihitung di atas nama aku yang hamba, itulah kebenaran tentang aku yang tidak mulia.

Hanya dengan izin-Nya, aku masih di sini, menerima dan diterima. Dijaga, menjaga dan terjaga. 

Jika satu ini aku lupa, nescaya semua yang aku cuba amal seusai usrah akan ku cabut tepi dan kembali kepada aku yang lama, yang jahil asal usul bicara.

Maka putarkan aku pita, puisikan aku cinta, bisikkan aku namaNya, sentiasa...,

Asyhadu alla ilaha illallah,

wa asyhadu anna Muhammad darrasulullah, 

dariNya, apa yang kamu rasa...