You cant define ash when you are the solid brick

Konsep kendiri yang pernah aku ade tentang diri aku adalah, Im too small to do anything, too weak, too slow, too calm. 

And by the time goes by, I got depressed alone, I'd been bullied with words that emphasize those weaknesses of me clear and clearer. People will assume that I cant even defend myself and worst, there is nobody there to protect me. I pulled myself down to the lowest state. I dont know how or from where that Im starting to collect the guts to stand up for myself. Maybe its the result from the anger that I kept within myself for quite a long time before.

On that one particular  day, that I start react. I start to hit aggressively the person that pulled my scarf from my head when I was 8, cause that time I think that, that scarf is put on my head by my mom, bought with the money that she had left after she bought a bunch of clothes for my sisters and lil brother. You can disgraced me, hurt me, but you can never hurt the people that i love, including their properties. The pain from hurting too much cause me to not letting others felt the same. I start being so protective, of myself and the people that I love. The kids in the school start to avoid me, the one that come to me with bad attitude will end up facing the mad me.

Until one level, I cant even controlled myself anymore. I start to crush my libido using so many ways including hurting myself even more. Yeah, I start to scare of myself now. and indeed, nobody understand that too. My life without realising Allah is there in all those situations, lead me to feel like I have no protector, and I myself need to protect myself. The people that I had hit and kick, are not weaker, they were big and strong opponents. Only Allah had soften their heart or soften their kicks and punches so that I cant even felt the pain in my physical, the only part that hurt is my heart.

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I grow up in this mindset, finding myself a protector. And day goes by, I keep deleting my protectors lists cause I thought that they weren't there when I need them, they arent functioned, and they didnt do the things that they are actually capable to do. Im small, but Im more than myself. In this time around, I cant accept being weak, ego is building my protective wall, and I dont even want to look weak in anyone eyes, including my families and friends.

I cant bear to be weak, and I just cant. I grow up witnessing women being bullied and used by their so-called protector, not within the family (Im lucky enough to have a very good firefighter-dad actually) , but within the school, news and TV, and I started hating men for this. I even start to lost faith with the men in my families too, my father and my brother. I start to do everything and settled everything by myself. I stand for myself, protecting all the people within my circles. 

In conclusion, actually I started losing my mind without others realising it. And we all know, crazy people, did crazy stuff. Yeah, although all the processes look so negative, but one good thing had happened. Cause Im crazy, I go across the weak line, I start to activate myself in marching and strive myself to a higher and higher level, Im the discipline prefect that chasing smokers and naughty-kids in school,  I speak for myself and build confidence to voice out my opinions, asking question, participating in competitions, I speak and learn English and English for Science and Tech, challenge myself being good in subjects that most people in my school think is the worst, Im the shortest police-cadets sergeant and are teaching 'how to march' to the other uniform-squads in my school, I am beyond my abilities and I start to love who I am.  

I do everything and anything because I have nothing to scare of, cause I thought the worst thing gonna happen is I die, and if this happen, I have nothing to worry, as I will gone and dont have to protect anything anymore, not anyone and not even myself. I can rest in peace. But still Im the protector of myself and I have no faith in anyone.

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Finished my high-school years, I got plenty of times that arent filled and I got into the gamers' world, I played a small clans game and i think that the protector that I'd been searching for a long time is there. The game make me felt like, it is where I belong. After a few years, I fall in-love with it, obsessed with it, I lost myself to the virtual, and I have no other interest, neglecting all the real stuff around me, including appetite, hobbies, families and friends are no longer important. I stopped feeling so important in the real-world cause I think it is aren't necessary. 

But still, I am too naive to accept failure after so many achievements that I had achieve. It is not I never failed before, but I never failed too bad in something that I care for until one day when I had decide myself to be a biologist, studying the humans behaviours and proceed studies in psychology to be an expert psychologist, in my final examinations in my asasian year, out of 2000 students, Im the only one that had skipped final biology paper just because I had forgot about it totally as I hadn't sleep for almost three days playing  games. That point when I put my dream into ashes and let it blew away by virtual stuff that not even benefit me anything.

I end up looking myself as a stupid little fool that useless even to myself. Although I score in other subjects but Allah had punch me so hard to just make me realize there is more than virtual things on earth. Theres families and friends that always there although I had rejected them from my life for hundred of times. I refuse to let them entering my heart and I refuse to love anything else but my games. I actually refusing to live on.

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You cant define ash when you are the solid brick. But you can describe everything so exact when you are nothing. You can define the goodness of being everything else above you.

And I rebuild myself, arranging the tiles of myself one by one and at that very moment, I found myself Allah. I started fall in love with Allah and filled my heart with Him entirely. Im not the old me anymore and people can feel it. 

I learnt to accept the small, weak and slow me.He lead the path, make me willingly followed and walk slowly into His way. From dying to learnt and being a Psychologist, Im now walking on a path of being a Teacher. Although in the starting point I was unwillingly walking, but now I saw His plans are beyond mine. I had crashed and healed, crashed again and healed again non-stop on this road, but Im gettin stronger and better, not in worldly achievement but within my personality and within my iman.

I cant promise that this momentum will stabilised on the same level until my last breath but Im hoping and hanging my faith in His hand and Im soothed this way. 

I had found my protector and I dont think I need anything else, I just live as He wished, and walk the path that He has prepared me. And do you know what I had just found myself studying now in IPG? Im studying Psikologi Pendidikan, a crucial subject to be a teacher. Im studying the thing that I had dreamt to studied all my life~~~

Im now at a level that I believe in Him 100%. I know He love me, He is my protector, He's there all along. Because of this faith not only until now, He gift me back my families, my friends and the most important thing, He gift me back

  MY LIFE.

Now He let me walk the way to be a tool on helping others to found their life, after my ups and downs, I know Im into this, Im not well-prepared but Im ready.

找到自己

kerana diri aku yang aku rindu, berada jauh nun disana

didalam hati pembina 

yang hanya nampak permata

pada wajah setiap anak agama

Aku rindu untuk hidup berkeliaran

meletak masa depan hanya di tangan Tuhan

aku tidak merancang banyak

hanya berjalan untuk melaksana

mimpi mimpi yang dianggap kolot

oleh minda pemusnah agama

tiada yang menjanjikan kita esok

jadi kenapa masih bersungguh kecewa

bersungguh gembira

oleh sesuatu yang sesederhana

harta dunia

Dari wajahmu, aku jumpa aku.

Because we are one big family

And I miss you much

May Allah let us meet again

万事开头难

hidup aku memang drama,
banyak yang aku tak suke, tapi akhirnya aku jatuh cinta

contohnya, dulu aku menyampah dengan pekerjaan guru, bukan kerana guru-guru aku menunjukkan contoh-contoh yang tidak baik, bukan, bukan sama sekali, and it is not because of them at all.

but i just cant accept the reality that the teachers in Malaysia or perhaps in some other countries had to face, they had to lie on paper just to make the reality sounds good, their students arent performed, and they had to write C on the report card to make the school grade in a comfortable mode. they were exhausted to dead because of processes that not even contribute to students educations. They had to put procedures upon students' benefits, they had to put syllabus upon students' progress, they are teachers that were force to do the secretary works with their own money for wasted papers, and wasted procedures over and over again for the rest of their lifetime. they are humans that suppose to be respected but were hold like a slave machines by some people. I just cant accept the reality. I always wondering what make them still moving in this field? What make they still here despite all the unnecessary sacrifices that they did? What?

Now, I just had one more step from being a legal teacher to the nation. Aku jatuh cinta bukan dengan dunia pendidikan, tapi aku jatuh cinta dengan tarbiyyah. Aku jatuh cinta dengan kanak-kanak yang dahagakan self-progress, yang rela disekolahkan kerana mahukan masa depan yang cerah. Aku jatuh cinta pada budak-budak yang kamu kamu kamu panggil bengap kerana aku kagum dengan mereka, at least mereka sedar mereka kurang ilmu, lalu mereka datang ke sekolah kerana kesedaran itu. Jika mereka sudah bijak, tidaklah mereka ke sekolah, kitalah yang menjadi salah satu jalan mereka kearah kebijaksanaan. Apa guru, kau mahu kanak-kanak yang sudah pandai sahaja untuk dijadikan murid-muridmu? Jika iya, matilah kamu sekarang, mahulah kamu ke hadapan Allah, lalu berkata-katalah dihadapan murid-muridmu yang akan mendakwa kamu kerana tidak menjalankan tanggungjawabmu dalam mendidik mereka.

Aku punya objektif yang jelas, dan makin hari, ia makin terang. Ia, aku memang mahu mengubah ummah. Paper works, all the pains in IPGK, all the nonsense from the unlogic syllabus, all the unnecessary jobs from the upper persons, Its annoying, yess, but upon all, Im in love with each and every one of them. Because I felt great doing this for ummah. Not for the government, not even for the small money that they had promised me every months, not for anyone appreciations, not even for myself, im doing this for them. Who am I? Im a murobbi.

Silam aku melampau. Penuh dengan dosa-dosa yang aku kira, tak mampu aku tutup semua. Setiap momen itu sakit, dan kesakitan ini aku bawa bukan untuk menghukum tapi untuk mengubati orang-orang dengan kesakitan yang same.

Aku jatuh cinta dengan IPG, bukan kerana jasadnya, bukan kerana pensyarahnya, tetapi kerana kesusahannya yang membina ketahanan kami untuk cabaran sebenar nanti, yang aku tahu bakal lagi susah dari ini. Karenah governmentnya, karenah politiknya pendidikan, karenah silibusnya, karenah orang atasnya, karenah rakan sekerjanya, karenah murid-muridnya..... Aku mungkin mati ditengah jalan kerana keletihannya... Mungkin. Tapi pengakhiran mati itu bukankah lebih baik? Kerana at least aku mampu kembali ke rumah asal, syurga yang indah nun disane? MasyaAllah... semoga ALlah menghadiahkan kita, oh para guru, husnul khatimah,善有善报.

Adakah cinta ini terlalu awal untuk dilafazkan? Mungkin karenah muridku nanti akan memudarkan kisah ini, ahhh, tapi biar nanti aku mampu membaca kembali entri post ini, dan mungkin waktu itu tidak terlambat untuk aku lafazkan lagi sekali, aku mencintai tarbiyyah dan aku mahu mengubah bukan untuk sesiapa, hanya untuk Allah.
再说，爱不是占有的，是欣赏的。。。。。